Left to my own devices, I can be a very sentimental person. When writing greeting cards, for instance, I don’t make jokes, I write sensitive things. And also when around sad things. For instance, there are these five puppies that live behind a concrete barrier nearby and seeing them makes me want to cry a little bit, rub them a little bit and then adopt them. And I don’t even like dogs.

Countering my emotional sensibilities, Istanbul – city of overwhelming emotion – has made it necessary to harden up a bit. Bitch bitch, slap slap. Don’t cry. Move on. Get going. I have to have the strength to walk past things like homeless puppies, homeless people, abuse of power, rundown houses and not want to sit on the curb and bawl. Better yet, I should do something about it but I cannot really think of what I could do that’s in my immediate power that would actually make a difference, and somethings thinking like that can be as depressing as the thing I’m looking at. But even if I could, it would be hard to cuddle the puppy, fix the pipes, or feed the homeless, as I’m usually in a minibus, or some other form of transport.

Besides, here, if I spent too much time thinking about things, I’d end up crying for years and years and years. Big Alice in Wonderland drowning in her own tears. Yes, this is how I feel in one easy-to-remember clichéd image. A lost, grown-up little girl in outdated clothing who is also a cartoon character. And who likes the color and mood, blue. I’m blue I’m blue da ba dee da ba dee…